a puppy excited by the next shiny new idea
yesterday i was writing a bestselling book
the day before i was recording a hit album that would knock the socks off of any die-hard 70s southern music fan
half an hour ago i was creating a mastermind group to revolutionize small business
and right now i'm hittin' this town with a yoga workshop the likes of which they've never seen.
every concept, every little hint or glimmer of genius is met with fanfare and press releases
TELL THE WORLD!!! The Messiah has arrived AND HE LOOKS GOOD!!!
and yet here i am, on the second floor of an air-conditioned apartment that i don't have next month's rent for
sleeping in sheets given to me by my parents
i'm a fake, a phony, a fraud...a bird on a wire with his eyes on the shiny...
i'm full of fantastic words for my fellow man.
brimming with advice which i'll give you for a penny
because lord knows i could use the spare change
but i'm going to peru.
and i'm gonna stick this through. this yoga thing...man i've trained for this.
i've sweated for this...bled for this...carved chunks from my heart and imprinted my soul for this...i've earned this fucking success, and i'm going to stick it out and work the plan...then i'm going to launch that mastermind.
then i'm going to write that book.
then i'm going to record that album.
and i'll launch another training.
and i'll stick that one out too. and the one after that. and then the next.
this life may be built on relationships, but we mark time with accomplishments. we lose time with love, and we make it up with sweat and service.
through it all i give thanks to a god i'm not sure even exists.
from time to time i get glimpses of the divine...of something i can't explain...but man, i gotta tell ya...the stories they told me in sunday school just don't make a lick of sense.
of course, some of the most profound things i've ever experienced don't make a whole lotta sense...and man i've tried to make heads or tails of it all. i can explain some crazy ass paranormal phenomena, but my words are simply symbols pointing at a meaning i can't wrap my head around.
the finger at the moon...
the finger at the moon...
and every time someone tries to tell me that jesus is the one and only it just pisses me off.
and every time someone tries to tell me that we should fight and die for religious ideas it just pisses me off.
and every time someone tries to tell me that christians are a bunch of pretentious, self-righteous assholes it just pisses me off...even when i agree with them.
maybe i'm just pissed off. maybe i'm just angry and confused and tired of trying to make sense of this world that hurts so fucking much...
and then i give up and look for something beautiful to look at and something seductive to touch and something yummy to put in my mouth.
and then i get on my bike or the mat and sweat it out.
and bliss on some indian words that i don't understand, and some chinese creative visualizations that some dude with a sweater tied around his shoulders told me would strengthen my energy and connect me to my life force...as if i was ever disconnected.
yeah, i'm pretty sure i'm still a pissed off bratty kid upset with the world and enamored by it all at the same time. trouble is, i'm 31 and i'm supposed to have something or other figured out by now. i'm supposed to be even tempered, rational and on top of my shit. a hundred years ago i would have probably had a family and a solid job by now.
oh, well. this is what exhaustion buys you.
good night.
