today i feel like a douchebag.

this feeling is unfounded the really real reality, but it's the way i feel. there's so much that i WANT to be doing, and the chief among these is traveling and teaching. but i'm grounded for the moment...working out this life business in the city of my blood.

i'm putting myself out there in ways i never have before, and i'm getting shot at. the blade of improvement is carving at my flesh, and the pruning hurts. my friend and sometimes coach is telling me that my favorite part of my promotional efforts is keeping me from being understood, the people who are responding to my promotions are my broke-ass friends, not the people of means i'm aiming to attract, the class i taught yesterday was ill-attended and full of unsurity, and on and on and on and on and here i sit, bitching on a saturday. sweaty. hot.

ugh.

i think i'm taking all this shit too personally...i'm internalizing the effects of my play in this world...

truth be told (as always), i'm experimenting, and some of the experiments aren't working the way that i'd like them to. perfect. the work is getting more powerful in its falling apart.

okay, time to work some more.