12:28am

i am a fucking child

a puppy excited by the next shiny new idea

yesterday i was writing a bestselling book

the day before i was recording a hit album that would knock the socks off of any die-hard 70s southern music fan

half an hour ago i was creating a mastermind group to revolutionize small business

and right now i'm hittin' this town with a yoga workshop the likes of which they've never seen.

every concept, every little hint or glimmer of genius is met with fanfare and press releases

TELL THE WORLD!!! The Messiah has arrived AND HE LOOKS GOOD!!!

and yet here i am, on the second floor of an air-conditioned apartment that i don't have next month's rent for

sleeping in sheets given to me by my parents

i'm a fake, a phony, a fraud...a bird on a wire with his eyes on the shiny...

i'm full of fantastic words for my fellow man.

brimming with advice which i'll give you for a penny

because lord knows i could use the spare change

but i'm going to peru.

and i'm gonna stick this through. this yoga thing...man i've trained for this.

i've sweated for this...bled for this...carved chunks from my heart and imprinted my soul for this...i've earned this fucking success, and i'm going to stick it out and work the plan...then i'm going to launch that mastermind.

then i'm going to write that book.

then i'm going to record that album.

and i'll launch another training.

and i'll stick that one out too. and the one after that. and then the next.

this life may be built on relationships, but we mark time with accomplishments. we lose time with love, and we make it up with sweat and service.

through it all i give thanks to a god i'm not sure even exists.

from time to time i get glimpses of the divine...of something i can't explain...but man, i gotta tell ya...the stories they told me in sunday school just don't make a lick of sense.

of course, some of the most profound things i've ever experienced don't make a whole lotta sense...and man i've tried to make heads or tails of it all. i can explain some crazy ass paranormal phenomena, but my words are simply symbols pointing at a meaning i can't wrap my head around.
the finger at the moon...

and every time someone tries to tell me that jesus is the one and only it just pisses me off.

and every time someone tries to tell me that we should fight and die for religious ideas it just pisses me off.

and every time someone tries to tell me that christians are a bunch of pretentious, self-righteous assholes it just pisses me off...even when i agree with them.

maybe i'm just pissed off. maybe i'm just angry and confused and tired of trying to make sense of this world that hurts so fucking much...

and then i give up and look for something beautiful to look at and something seductive to touch and something yummy to put in my mouth.

and then i get on my bike or the mat and sweat it out.

and bliss on some indian words that i don't understand, and some chinese creative visualizations that some dude with a sweater tied around his shoulders told me would strengthen my energy and connect me to my life force...as if i was ever disconnected.

yeah, i'm pretty sure i'm still a pissed off bratty kid upset with the world and enamored by it all at the same time. trouble is, i'm 31 and i'm supposed to have something or other figured out by now. i'm supposed to be even tempered, rational and on top of my shit. a hundred years ago i would have probably had a family and a solid job by now.

oh, well. this is what exhaustion buys you.

good night.

For The Feminine

Let loose your hair in this lair of lost longing
Of desires so old the dust has taken hold and dank mold can't be banished by bleach
Only sheets and sheets of tears will tear down these walls of unmet needs
Only necessary evils are bred in this house of steeds
And pregnant mares and moose with fuzz on those antlers
Yes this is the answer to all your many questions
It's really so simple just breathe into this

Just breathe into this

The human race is racing toward the end and it's called Spiritual Existence
It's our nature to die and be reborn
It's our nature to drink deeply from the horn
The cornucopia of fruity flavors from the table of our banquet
From the victors of the vanquished
Squeeze the baby it goes "Squish"

And the rollin' tumble feelings fumbled heartbreaks still stumble
And still you feel all this
Still you fill your vessel with malcontent
Still you bring to my chambers your anger and frustration over unrequited love and lost affections
When the hand that dealt your demise was indeed your own
The stones you've thrown have come back to your throne
And your glass walls come crashing
And maybe that's what you asked for in the first place
Maybe that's what you wanted all along
You sang your siren's song of transformation
You called in a ranger to your manifest station
And when he set your house ablaze you raised the roof in celebration
Then blamed him.

And so it is.
Can you sit with this?

animal halo

i got nothin' to say on the states of affairs that move most men to tears and tearing down other men
i got nothin' to say about bright balmy days backed by boldfaced lies and nuclear sunrises
i got nothin' to spit about the clits of mad bitches who bring baldness to the bedroom because beauty ain't enough

but the full moon is risin' and the serpent inside is climbin' these stairs

see, simple silence arouses violence in bitemarks and bruises left in lust on a lover's shoulder

and moments of meditation bring clarity and penetration of the futball diamond maya of blood soaked poor designers

short years and long pauses pregnant with meaning and luscious possibility punctuate the perforations of my soul-searching neo-frontal cortex

and still you sit there, slack-jawed and yawnin' while i go on and on in loquacious masturbatory bliss.

let me make this simple. clear. pin-pointed.

i like loving you and i dig this existence.
you can tear it down, seek salvation through tribulation and rapture
long for better days or a lord to come and capture you
or burn it to the ground, wiping our kind from the face of this rock
and still i'll find a sweet spot and dance in it.
you can too. and you, and you...
and if we all did just that, if we went ahead and ate the fat and didn't feel guilty... just gluttonous for experience, then maybe, just maybe all this shit would go away.
but then we'd be left looking for contrast, the black to our white, the fertilizer for our roses...
so no, i don't want you to blot out my darkness,
to blow sunshine up my ass,
i just want to sit here and appreciate the soft, subtle lines of your muscles twitching under your skin, barely hidden by that silky shawl you donned while dancing in the burn-your-feet sweetsand of 10am.
i just want to smell the animal that comes through your pores when you forget or ignore to wear your bitter-blockers.
i'm just breathin' this in,
the grace AND the sin,
and givin' thanks that i've awakened
to feel pain again.
and when my number's up, i'll die,
grateful for all i've been given
in the short moments that i've lived.

i've got nothing to say...except, "PLAY."

aliveness

passion pursues me in a plumeria scented purple skirt and golden skinned sun kissed nipples.

satin folds find my fingertips and cinnamon clove musky mayhem messes with my cerebellum, simple serendipity settling the fire inside.

morning kisses at the back of my heart with the warm winds rattling my windows, white-walled brilliance bringing me back to heavy-lidded harmony with the world around me.

sweat beads and fills the sheets.

the glue of the universe churned in a hotpot, sloshing over to stain the container and slip into the bricks...a volcano erupts, a peace treaty signed, a planet implodes, the stars align, the heavens erupt in uproarious applause as the creator cracks a devilish grin.

Enfuego

"The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door here is devastation.
Birds make great skycircles of their freedom.
How do they do it? They fall,
And in falling they're given wings." ~Rumi

I'm a lover. It's my nature, it's what I do. I fall hard, fast and DEEP, and all to often, it's a blissfully painful experience.

I awoke this morning with a pain in my shoulder and the memory of a recent lover playing in my brain. Immediately I checked my blackberry to see if she'd contacted me via fb, gmail or good ol' fashioned text message. She had, but the deeper aspects of conversations were left untouched. She played on the surface, keeping a foot in the door, but no more...

The steel turns.

On the other side of my dome dances another recent love who wants, perhaps, too much. She pulls for my affection in manners all too familiar, and I watch the love that engulfs her bring out the best of her beauty in manic expressions of poetic brilliance. Psychotic obsession leads to some of the best art mankind has ever known. Whether that obsession is a fire for God, a die-hard world-worn quest, or the all-consuming love of another human, it doesn't matter. It's the spark within that does the trick...but I'd be damned if I called it comfortable for anyone.

Conventional wisdom dictates that I shouldn't care. My primary focus is and should be my mission, my purpose, the work at hand...but still this soft heart of mine beats pink and vibrant, and is easily aroused by those with whom I choose to open. History shows that I'm willing to give it all, gamble everything and torch the ships in the name of love, branding me with a string of names too long to claim...terms of endearment and bile-ridden insults...all stick and none of 'em hold, just like life.

Yeah, I shouldn't care, but I do. This fuels me. Towards what, I'm not sure, but it feels like aliveness, and that can't be a bad thing. So many days I've spent in comfortable numbness, quietly longing for the flames of life to lick my skin and make me feel again. Here I am, in the fire...wanting what's just beyond my reach.
Stretching.
Growing.
Living this Love.

God help us all.

the internal bitch

i'm taking a break from complaining...a 21 day fast from letting negativity and bitching fall from my mouth...and it's starting to get interesting.

just as there are external and internal detox reactions during a physical fast, i'm starting to notice a shift in my head...

yesterday i boarded a plane back to austin from l.a. after a work weekend, and i found myself in a mood. i held true to my commitment and kept my mouth shut...and then i noticed how much complaining naturally takes place between my ears.

so i got to work...instead of fueling the cycle with antagonism and analysis, i chanted. i chose a mantra, closed my eyes, and chanted silently while watching the brat in my brain throw an unwarranted temper tantrum.

before i knew it, i was asleep, dreaming the battle into bliss, and when i awoke, i felt much better. i chose a new attitude, and the perspective of that new vantage point allowed me to see more clearly how lucky i am. i watched the sun set below the horizon of clouds, then bliss overtook me as we dipped down through that white horizon to float above fields of green and gold below.

the bitch and the bliss...all rolled into one whole human.

love this life.